November - Gratitude

The concept of gratitude mostly evaded my field of experience for the first 23 years of my life. Theoretically, the word carried a wholesome significance with it, but I understood this only as an abstract ideal. The actuality of my situation was that something always seemed to be missing, and whatever that something was in that moment, was of vastly greater importance than the culmination of all of the things that I did have. However, when those, what I then saw as naïve, people gave thanks to God for their meals, I was envious and disgusted at once. Expressing gratitude to another person could be written off as a manipulative effort, but these people seemed genuinely glad and content with what they had in that moment. It was baffling to witness. Occasionally, I would be scolded for not being grateful, which for me felt about the same as being scolded for not being happy. The experience just served to agitate and confuse me. Rationalizing myself into an emotional state was never a successful endeavor, and, for someone as self-centered as I was, appealing to the plight of others as a reason to be grateful was utter nonsense. At best, I could be convinced that I should feel grateful, but I never did feel that way. If I had to put a description to my old conception of gratitude, I think that calling it, ‘directed happiness’ would be the best I could do – ‘I am happy about x = I am grateful for x.’ Obviously, if one is happy about the presence of something, they would act as though grateful for it. I never was happy about much of anything, so it seemed ridiculous to expect me to act grateful. Today, my encounters with gratitude are better described as a perspective than as a feeling. It is the recognition of my sole need, a connection with God, and, as a consequence, the superfluity of everything else. It is recognizing everything in my life as necessary in God’s will. Gratitude exists in the experience of things and events as paradoxically meshed as, at once, necessary and superfluous. These are all just words, and, ultimately, gratitude is generated by action, not pontification. In recovery, my perspective has shifted. I’ve found it impossible to transcend my own feelings and attitudes in order to change them with the aim of changing my behavior. Knowing I should be grateful and attempting to will myself to feel that, in order to enact it, has been totally unfruitful. How I achieve an attitude of gratitude towards the things in my life today is through acting grateful. Each morning, I make a gratitude list. This isn’t a list of things that I feel grateful for in that moment, but more of a checklist to make sure I’m behaving gratefully towards each of the things and people on the list. Am I acting grateful for my family? My roommates? The fellowship? Those are a few of the items that go on the list every day. I think of my gratitude list as part of my 10th step. If I feel particularly ungrateful for something, I observe my recent actions regarding that thing, and, moving forward, look for opportunities to shift into actions of greater gratitude. In doing so, I have the experience of feeling more grateful. Today, gratitude is part of a daily discipline to grow spiritually.

Contributed by H. B.

October - Stress and the CRC

 I was never good at the whole “school” thing. It’s taken me 7 years, 4 colleges, and 3 different majors to finally end up at KSU (where I will blessedly be graduating from next year #finally).  It’s taken so long because well… college has always been sort of scary for me. I have a history of getting overwhelmed- by the curriculum, the masses of young students, the expectation that a degree will lead to something fabulous once I get into the “real world.” I can easily send myself into an existential crisis just standing in The Commons looking around at everyone.  All these people, the potential, and jittery need to excel sort of smothers me. It’s one of the reasons I started abusing drugs and alcohol in my early twenties. And ironically, the addiction that I used to alleviate anxiety from school ended up keeping me from graduating on time.

            In order to successfully complete school sober, I needed support. Becoming a member of the CRC has helped immensely in managing academic stress. In the vast expanse of the student body, there is a community of people who are trying to get through their education not just sober, but happy. I am the kind of person that puts headphones on the moment I step onto campus and can have them in the entire day except during class (admittedly, sometimes in class too). I go an entire school day sometimes without any human interaction.  Which is fine on the good days, but when I’m losing my s**t over an exam or just need a hug and a good meeting I know I have a place to go. Between classes I can duck in for a quick (much needed) cup of coffee, access the free printing (which is better than someone giving you free kittens or a Unicorn), or just lie on some beanbags and organize my thoughts.

            The best part is that I now have access to a group of people that know exactly what I’m going through and can offer a little caffeinated comfort when I really need it. There are advisors and counselors with open doors. There are meetings almost every day and seminars in between. And did I mention free printing? I wish I had a CRC my first year of college, way back before my addiction took control of my life. But for now, I am grateful for the community I am apart of.  The sense of camaraderie between us, with all of our different stories and personalities is really nice to have. Somehow college this time around seems a little less terrifying.  

Contributed by K.M.

October - Stress and the CRC

I’ve been in the CRC for about four semesters. I’ve had every experience in school that you could think of: expulsion, failing, passing and succeeding. I’m 25 years old and have been trying school since I got out of high school in 2008. I’ve been sober now for a little over three years, and this is my experience on doing school, mainly during exam time.

            When I got sober, I really had no plans on going back to school. I had been out of school for about a year and a half before I got sober and had really given up hope and just told myself school wasn’t for me. When I got about a year, I figured I would give it one more shot. In the past, I had been to two different schools and had been expelled from both of them multiple times. I had a terrible GPA and was really scared if I could even get in school. I had two friends that were trying to get back in to school and really helped me to believe that it was possible. I started by going to a smaller school first for one semester just to get my feet wet so to speak. The next step for me was to get to a bigger school so I could continue my education. It just so happened that my two roommates where at KSU and helped me once again in believing I could get in and that It would all be fine. I was really worried because of my past that I would be rejected. I went to the CRC and talked to Pat. Once again, I didn’t think this would help or that I could get into the CRC. If you haven’t noticed, there is a pattern, and I had a very hard time in early sobriety believing in myself. Once again, God and all the people around me believed in me and helped me get where I needed to be. This is one thing the CRC has help me with a ton is believing that I can succeed and I can better my education and my life through school and a spiritual contact through sobriety.

While at Kennesaw, I have been through the ups and downs of exams many times.  It is my experience that it really has helped me to study a little every day for a long time and also the week of exams make a very big effort to make more meetings than I would on a normal week. I’ve spend a lot of time doing the exact opposite, and the places that my head can take me such are just complete fear of failure and unworthiness. During exam time, the rooms at the CRC are very important to me because everyone in there is dealing with the same thing, and just like sobriety, everyone can relate and help each other get through it. A couple of semesters ago I was really not in a good place academically, and I made some bad choices. I did not end up doing very well, and I was very ashamed at how I lied to all of my friends and told them I was doing fine. This is an example of just not taking advantage of my resources because when I came clean about what I had done, everyone around me just wanted to help; no one was mad or disappointed because they could relate to how I made it hard on myself. The moral of the story is always to take advantage of things like peers in and out of the CRC and to use the resources they give us that no other students get to use. 

Contributed by H.G.

September - National Recovery Month

We are surrounded by messages that tell us what to do, what to think, what to buy and what to believe about ourselves. These messages come from the news, movies, television, our friends, parents, and more importantly ourselves. It can be so overwhelming! I get so bombarded by what runs through my head and what I believe everyone else is thinking. And many times those messages are simply false and have a negative effect on our lives.

Working in the field of recovery on a college campus, I run into many people who seem to understand little about addiction. I hear them make comments that can be harmful, naive and just annoying. But we are educators. We work on a college campus after all. And educating someone who may not understand addiction and recovery (which may actually be quite a few people in this world) takes some time and some patience. Hopefully we do our job well and spread that knowledge on an even broader level as we participate in national conferences and conversations taking place that are part of much larger movement toward more education around the truth about addiction and recovery.

Part of the conversation about spreading the hope of recovery and the truth about addiction includes some discussions about anonymity. Individuals in recovery and not in recovery are talking about the appropriate way to share stories of recovery with others. Without getting too involved in the political side of that conversation, I do believe that it is very beneficial to have these stories heard by some means. Without those stories, the world is left with the media and hollywood to portray addiction and recovery. Although sometimes helpful and informative, those may not always be the most reliable sources of knowledge.

In honor of National Recovery Month (September), the KSU Center for Young Adult Addiction and Recovery has hosted and participated in various events celebrating recovery and sharing facts about addiction. One event is a collaborative project titled "Into the Light" in which participants were asked to make a note or a drawing to remember someone lost to overdose, share hope to someone still struggling with an addiction, share a story of recovery or share a message of encouragement. When this first was initiated, I wasn't sure what the response would be; but it has been overwhelming. So many people related to the purpose of the project and had a story to share. I found myself laughing and crying as I read through all the messages people had written. Some were notes to someone who had passed. Others had found creative ways of sharing hope and inspiration.

I think we do not pay enough attention to the messages we send and receive each day. It's not only important to recognize the messages we might be absorbing every day (negative or positive messages coming from media, peers, ourselves, etc.) but also to counter those messages with truth. If you grew up believing you weren't good enough and still believe it, maybe it's time to ask yourself what put that idea in your head. And are you truly not good enough? At everything? Maybe you haven't done as well as you wanted to with everything you've tried. Everyone else in the future of human beings has also not done as well as they would have liked with everything they tried. Stop defeating yourself with these messages. Start a new message! One of my favorite notes from the "Into the Light" project is "stumbling seven times but recovering eight." It's a simple Japanese proverb speaking to the tough times we face on our journeys, but how we must keep going. If we only focus on failure, we see "seven times I've failed," but we must also look at our success: "eight times I've gotten back up!"

I'm not in recovery. I'm the odd one out in my daily life (kind of always felt that way, so I can relate when others in recovery say the same). But I have gained so much from the messages of recovery. What I have learned from the students that I work with has challenged me and made me a better person. I am constantly hit in the face with how grateful I feel. And right now I'm grateful that others are willing to share their messages. During recovery month, in their communities, at national conferences, at a meeting, and for an art project. The stories really matter. People need messages that are not only true but helpful. People do recover. There is always hope. And you can't do this alone. 

 Guest Post by Liz Lang, CRC Coordinator 

September - National Recovery Month

     In light of the fact that this is National Recovery Month I wanted to share a little of my story and how I get to live an amazing life.

     My recovery journey began on October 28, 2012. It really started way before that but this is when it really started to matter. I decided I'd had enough of my eating disorder after nearly 30 yrs with it running my life and I wanted a life worth living. I was put in contact with an amazing woman that also gave me hope that I could actually find recovery. She was my first sponsor and is now a treasured friend that helped me change my life and find my passion again.

     Initially my motivation to find recovery was to join the CRC. I wanted that sense of community, the support and the camaraderie that everyone had. By the grace of my Higher Power and the help of many others I was able to meet the requirements to join. Unbeknownst to me that one decision and desire would be the key to giving me a purpose in life other than self-destructing.

     That purpose is to help others working towards recovery from eating disorders. Currently I work as a house manager in a transitional living home for women recovering from eating disorders. Being able to wake up every day and be of service to my residents as well as being able to offer strength, hope and experience is the biggest blessing. Each day I am amazed by the life I get to live and the way I get to be a part of the recovery process for others. I get to watch my residents grow and blossom and take risks. I've cried with them and laughed with them (lots of laughing) and talked them through their fears.

     Many years ago I wanted to be a therapist in the eating disorder community but gave up that dream because I didn't think I could find true recovery in order to do it. Today I get the privilege of working in the field while pursuing a new dream of bringing therapeutic cooking to eating disorder treatment. It's been fun incorporating this into my house manager duties and watching my house take more food risks as we plan "family" dinners. Everyone chips in and the camaraderie has been amazing.  The desire to push through fears in regards to fear foods has been strengthened in my residents as they get more involved in meal planning and cooking.

     The beauty of all of this is that when I first started this phase of my recovery I could not even dream or hope that I would have the life I have today. My world seemed to be falling apart but I know now that it was falling into place.

Contributed by K.M.

August - Going Back to School

I’ve gone to college a few times, and each experience has been markedly different.  The first time I drank and used the entire time, and the story isn’t particularly interesting.  I lasted a year and a half before ending up in a rehab facility.  After finishing rehab and being sober for a little while, I decided to go back to college.  Like many others in recovery, I assumed that I would be successful because I was sober; I was very wrong.  

At the time I didn’t really understand how to apply twelve-step recovery to my life.  I went to a lot of meetings, worked some steps, and got honest on occasion with a sponsor.  I didn’t know it, but I was receiving the message of sobriety without giving anything back to the program that was saving my life.  So, as a result, school didn’t go well for me.  I didn’t always show up.  And when I did show up, I arrived late and left early.  While I was slowly growing in other aspects of my life, I was just as bad of a student as I had been in active alcoholism and addiction.  Eventually, I broke down with a counselor and my sponsor.  I just wasn’t ready for the responsibility of being a student, so I dropped all three of my classes.

A year or so later I went back to school, this time at Kennesaw State.  I had an application to the CRC and met with Liz, but I decided that filling out the application was too much to ask.  So, once again, I went back to school alone.  The results were a little bit better, mainly because my program had improved.  But school was still a struggle.  My roommate was a member of the CRC at this point, and I saw what he was getting out of his experience; it was an experience that I wanted.  That next semester I finally filled out the application and joined.  

The CRC terrified me.  I felt judged and alone, but I kept coming back.  I showed up for my seminar.  I showed up for Celebrate Recovery.  I went to on campus meetings.  I hung out in the meeting room in between classes.  Somewhere along the way, I started to feel like a part of the group.  I began to build relationships with people, particularly in seminar.  Not only was I making connections and friends, but I also learned how to be a sober student through other people’s experiences.  I knew that my seminar was a safe place and that I could share anything without it ever being repeated.  I learned this because other guys were willing to share intimate experiences in their own lives.  It took some time, but the CRC eventually became my home on campus.  Because of guys I met in my seminar, I was eventually led to a new home group and a new sponsor that I desperately needed.  These guys were sharing the twelve-step message with me and showing me how to apply principles within the community.  The CRC isn’t a replacement for the twelve steps; it’s a way to enhance recovery, and those guys made that very clear. 

If there is anything that I’ve learned from those guys, it’s that I’m responsible for carrying the message.  I’m not new anymore, but I remember what it’s like to be new.  I know what it’s like to be uncomfortable in a new environment.  This means that I can’t skip seminar, or Celebrate Recovery, or my on campus meeting.  I have to share my experience so that I can be helpful and still need others to do the same for me.  I owe so much to the CRC, and I hope that everyone takes advantage of the opportunity to experience everything that it has to offer.  But if I want the CRC to keep going, I have to set an example so that the new members can set an example in the future.  We’re all dependent on each other.  

So as we all start the new school year, let’s make a commitment to each other.  Let’s participate and be of service.  Let’s welcome newcomers.  Let’s be there when we’re needed.  Let’s make sure that we keep this thing going.  

Contributed by W.P.