November - Gratitude

The concept of gratitude mostly evaded my field of experience for the first 23 years of my life. Theoretically, the word carried a wholesome significance with it, but I understood this only as an abstract ideal. The actuality of my situation was that something always seemed to be missing, and whatever that something was in that moment, was of vastly greater importance than the culmination of all of the things that I did have. However, when those, what I then saw as naïve, people gave thanks to God for their meals, I was envious and disgusted at once. Expressing gratitude to another person could be written off as a manipulative effort, but these people seemed genuinely glad and content with what they had in that moment. It was baffling to witness. Occasionally, I would be scolded for not being grateful, which for me felt about the same as being scolded for not being happy. The experience just served to agitate and confuse me. Rationalizing myself into an emotional state was never a successful endeavor, and, for someone as self-centered as I was, appealing to the plight of others as a reason to be grateful was utter nonsense. At best, I could be convinced that I should feel grateful, but I never did feel that way. If I had to put a description to my old conception of gratitude, I think that calling it, ‘directed happiness’ would be the best I could do – ‘I am happy about x = I am grateful for x.’ Obviously, if one is happy about the presence of something, they would act as though grateful for it. I never was happy about much of anything, so it seemed ridiculous to expect me to act grateful. Today, my encounters with gratitude are better described as a perspective than as a feeling. It is the recognition of my sole need, a connection with God, and, as a consequence, the superfluity of everything else. It is recognizing everything in my life as necessary in God’s will. Gratitude exists in the experience of things and events as paradoxically meshed as, at once, necessary and superfluous. These are all just words, and, ultimately, gratitude is generated by action, not pontification. In recovery, my perspective has shifted. I’ve found it impossible to transcend my own feelings and attitudes in order to change them with the aim of changing my behavior. Knowing I should be grateful and attempting to will myself to feel that, in order to enact it, has been totally unfruitful. How I achieve an attitude of gratitude towards the things in my life today is through acting grateful. Each morning, I make a gratitude list. This isn’t a list of things that I feel grateful for in that moment, but more of a checklist to make sure I’m behaving gratefully towards each of the things and people on the list. Am I acting grateful for my family? My roommates? The fellowship? Those are a few of the items that go on the list every day. I think of my gratitude list as part of my 10th step. If I feel particularly ungrateful for something, I observe my recent actions regarding that thing, and, moving forward, look for opportunities to shift into actions of greater gratitude. In doing so, I have the experience of feeling more grateful. Today, gratitude is part of a daily discipline to grow spiritually.

Contributed by H. B.