I sat down to write this blog post
and wasn’t entirely sure where to start. I wanted to write about my friend who
decided with his girlfriend that they could drink for a night, and how the
night ended with him dying of an overdose in her arms. But that’s not my story,
although it taught me just how dangerous this deal can be. I wanted to write
about my relationship history, with all of its dysfunction and chaos; about how
I wanted a relationship to fix me. But we have all seen unhealthy
relationships. We all know how those relationships work out. So I’ve decided to
share about my relationship today, and more importantly, what it took to get me
here.
Early in my sobriety I did what
turns out to be fairly common. I got jealous of people who had happy
relationships. I wanted the love of my life right then. I wanted that epic love
story I’d seen in the movies, but I didn’t want to work for it. I saw something
I wanted and I couldn’t stand that it wasn’t just happening when I wanted it. My
sponsor found this whole phase quite entertaining, especially since her
relationship was a source of my envy. She was in the budding stages of a
beautiful and healthy relationship, and I wanted what she had been working
towards for years. She informed me that I had nothing to offer in a
relationship. She suggested what seemed like a tedious process. She told me to
become the person my Higher Power intended. She told me to stop searching for
someone to fix me. She told me to try loving myself first. She said that if I
couldn’t be happy alone, I couldn’t be happy in a couple. I didn’t like any of
it, but I listened. I listened because I was just as defeated in terms of
relationships as I had been with substances. So I followed her directions, and
something incredible happened.
I stopped focusing on what the
people around me had to offer. I started focusing on what I could contribute to
the stream of life. Being of service to those around me gave me something to
like about myself. I got used to being by myself, and I started to enjoy it. I
focused on growing. I became someone I liked, and then, someone I loved. I
continued to work all 12 steps in my daily life (to the best of my ability). I
continued to take inventory until it became a habit.
I’m in a relationship now, but it
wasn’t without work. This is the longest I’ve ever been in a relationship, and
every step of the way, we’ve done everything we could to keep it healthy. We
started by building a friendship without the possibility of a romantic relationship
anywhere near the table. Then, when we both acknowledged our feelings, we
talked with our sponsors before anything proceeded. After hashing things out
openly and honestly with our sponsors, we sat down and discussed our
relationship ideals. I grow towards the ideals I set down, because to be a
partner, I must offer what I hope to receive. I continue to take inventory, and
I use my network for direction. I look for what I can offer to the world, my
family, and my relationship.
We plan on getting married later
this year, and this entire journey has been a beautiful blessing. My fiancée
doesn’t fill any void, nor do I expect her to be the solution to any problem I
may face. Instead she is my partner in facing the world. She’s my teammate. We
work together to build a healthy family life. All of that is dependent on my
willingness to be honest and open. When issues do arise, I have to face them
with the willingness to admit my part, and amend my thoughts and my actions.
Most of all, I’ve realized anything worth having is worth working for.
Contributed by J.M.
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